what to do with adult child at home smoking pot

"I love my son, simply things are getting really rough. I never expected him to still be living at home in his twenties. I don't listen helping him while he gets on his feet, merely most of the fourth dimension he acts like he'due south still thirteen – and he'southward twenty three! This is not what I pictured!"

If you're parenting an adult kid who lives at abode with you, this lament may be all besides familiar. You want to support your child if he's having a tough time getting on his anxiety, just that probably doesn't hateful you want to be his cook, maid, and ATM.

"Call back of information technology this way: if your adult kid actually needs your support and a place to alive, he can choose to follow your expectations and house rules."

If your child is behaving in a disrespectful manner, reverting to adolescent behavior or taking advantage of the situation in any manner, it's naturally going to breed resentment. Know that whether your child is living with you temporarily or for an extended period of fourth dimension, information technology doesn't accept to be this way.

The Multi-Generational Home

In an ideal world, our children would reach machismo equipped with the skills necessary to come across the demands of the earth…and that world would offer our kids many opportunities. Unfortunately, that'south not the globe many of the states live in. Job scarcity, low wages and a host of other factors are often challenges our kids take difficulty overcoming as they enter adulthood. Many families are currently living in "multi-generational homes," where there may be parents, grandparents and children of all ages in one house.

With respect, boundaries and clear expectations, this type of situation can be very positive. There's nothing wrong with a family supporting each other in difficult times. Many of us have had to "motion back domicile" after a task loss, divorce or other setback we didn't wait. It can exist a lifeline to have family support in the confront of these issues.

Some families choose to live together out of love, closeness and the desire to spend their years together. If you're in this type of state of affairs and things are comfortable in your home, this article may non be something you need. But some parents have children in their twenties, thirties or beyond living at home in a situation that is very uncomfortable; things aren't going well. If you're in that state of affairs, nosotros're going to bear upon some things you tin can put in place to brand life more than tolerable in your home.  Don't forget, this is your domicile!

Creating the Domicile You Want

Yous have the right to determine what your home "looks like." What are the boundaries, the rules, the expectations? With younger children, we may take an bodily discussion: your room needs to exist cleaned one time every week; you demand to help articulate the table after dinner; bedtime is at 9 p.chiliad.; curfew is midnight. When that child reaches adulthood (when they're eighteen and out of high school) in that location needs to be a similar talk. No, yous won't exist setting bedtimes or curfews but you will demand to outline what needs to happen to alive together respectfully in your home. If you're married, you and your spouse should sit down down together and talk over what is and is non okay for another adult – in this instance your son or daughter – living in your home. For example:

• Coming in at dark: While you won't set a "curfew" for an adult, if you work in the morning or don't want to be awakened at three a.m. by someone coming into the house, y'all may tell your son and daughter that if they are going to exist out past a certain fourth dimension, they will need to stay at a friend's place rather than waking you upwardly. If it doesn't bother you to have them coming in at whatever hour, then don't worry about information technology.
• You're non your adult child's maid: While y'all may not take a list of "chores" every bit you would for a younger child, information technology's reasonable to tell your developed son or daughter that you await them to make clean upward after themselves (their property, dishes, cleaning upwards afterwards using the kitchen, etc). If y'all detect yourself in the role of the "maid," it can atomic number 82 to resentment.
• How will your adult child contribute? Do you expect your developed child to contribute financially to the household in any style? Rent? Utilities? Food? If your child isn't working and doesn't have money to contribute, y'all may choose instead to have him practice other things that contribute to the household (housekeeping, backyard maintenance, running errands for y'all to salve you fourth dimension, etc). In this mode, you don't go resentful for financially supporting your adult child and it gives him the opportunity to feel self-esteem that he is contributing to the home. Information technology'south a reciprocal human relationship.
• Talk virtually fourth dimension frames: Is there a time-limit on how long your adult son or daughter volition exist living in your dwelling house? You know your child all-time; if the situation is open up-ended, will he be less motivated to seek employment or go independent? If and then, you lot may want to give a time frame  but be prepared: if yous give a deadline, stick to it.
• "Adult" activities: What are the limits on "developed activities" your son or girl may want to engage in while living in your home? For example, are overnight guests okay? Alcohol or tobacco use? Just because your kid is now an adult doesn't give her the correct to engage in activities in your home that you aren't comfortable with. Besides, if you have younger children in the habitation, y'all may non want certain activities to occur that aren't consistent with your values. You lot have the correct to determine what behaviors are acceptable in your home. If y'all don't let smoking in your dwelling and a neighbor comes over, would y'all ask him to fume outside? If yes, then the same applies to your adult child.

These are only a few examples of things to consider when your adult son or daughter is living in your home. Y'all can run across how these issues form a "picture" of what your home will look like. You may notice that new issues come upward as time goes on and that'south okay: it'south a process. Your flick may change and evolve over fourth dimension. One time y'all (and your spouse if y'all're married) make up one's mind on what'southward expected, put it down on newspaper. Information technology doesn't take to be worded in a castigating or threatening way. Your intention is to create an open, positive communication with your adult child, right from the outset. So talk your expectations over with your son or daughter. They probably also have expectations of what things will look like. You may choose to negotiate some points if you're comfortable; simply the bottom line is that this is your abode. Yous make the terminal decision.

When Things Get Off Track

One time y'all've entered into a mutual understanding with your adult son or girl on how things will exist in your dwelling, yous control only ane thing: your own behavior. It'due south up to them whether or not they'll also adhere to the agreement. Remember, even though your daughter is an adult, she is nevertheless your child. And our kids tend to push limits and avoid things that brand them uncomfortable. They may non practise then intentionally or with malice, but y'all might discover your adult kid slipping back into (or never leaving) a blueprint of adolescence. Arguing with yous or their siblings, leaving messes, disrespect, thoughtlessness – these are all things parents look forward to not having to put upwardly with once the magic age of 18 is reached. If y'all detect your adult son or girl is falling back into such behaviors, have a sit-down correct away. Don't let it slide thinking information technology'll improve. Communicate in a positive mode that the mutual agreement isn't being followed and clarify what needs to change. Retrieve, living in your home by the age of eighteen is a privilege, not a right! If it's mutually benign and respectful – not bad! If not – if you're existence verbally abused or taken advantage of – you lot have the correct to set boundaries. Those boundaries may include that adult child no longer being able to live in your home. Call back of information technology this way: if he really needs a place to live and your support, he can choose to follow your expectations and house rules.

Boundaries – Don't be a Perpetual Flagman!

Sometimes it'due south not our adult child who falls back into "old patterns." It's very easy to fall dorsum into doing things for our kids that they tin do for themselves: cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying their bills. This is what we refer to equally "Caretaking." Initially, it may make usa feel expert, even needed. Merely it can end in resentment. It tin likewise undermine our adult child's self-esteem and confidence. So allow him or her to contribute. If y'all make dinner five nights a calendar week, let them make dinner two of the nights, for example.

"But Mom, Weed is Legal Now!"

Some parents question whether or not they have the right to tell their adult son or daughter they tin't use substances in their abode. The reply is YES! You accept the accented correct to decide which substances (alcohol, tobacco, marijuana or any other type of drug) are allowed in your domicile. Period. Information technology doesn't matter if marijuana is legal in your state. It doesn't matter if your son or girl has a medical marijuana card. If you're not okay with information technology, they need to go on it out of your home. If you believe the medical marijuana utilise is valid, that's up to you lot. If you don't however, your adult child volition need to keep his supply elsewhere. No ane can force you to become confronting your values. They may effort to manipulate you through guilt, persuasion, threats or emotional blackmail, but the decision is yours. You don't accept to defend your decision to your son or daughter. A elementary, "No, I don't allow that in the home," will suffice. If your adult kid finds this unacceptable or wants to argue the point, he may choose to live elsewhere, in a place he can use that substance.

Rights and Responsibilities

Anybody in your home has the right to alive free of verbal or physical abuse. Yous take the right to set boundaries, rules and expectations in your home. If you had a tenant, you would have that right. It's the same when that "tenant" is your developed son or daughter. In one case yous've agreed on what's expected, everyone has the responsibility to alive up to that agreement. Will information technology ever be perfect? Non likely; zippo is. If things get off rails, take a family coming together to bring it back in line, as before long equally possible. You're in a situation where adults are living together, possibly with younger children in your abode as well. The key to success is positive, clear communication and mutual respect.

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-your-adult-child-how-to-set-up-a-mutual-living-agreement/

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